11 – Making Marriage Work, Part 1

( This is part 1 of a 5-part series on making marital relationship work).

It was Joan’s first therapy session with me, however it didn’t take long before the tears started to stream down her cheeks. “I’m wed to the man of my dreams, but I’m miserable,” she said, reaching a hand as much as wipe away her tears. “We were so in love and now things are breaking down. We are battling and far-off much of the time. I like Justin and I don’t wish to lose him, however I do not understand what to do. I do not understand why this is occurring. I appear to be getting angrier and angrier and he is getting more and more distant.”.

” What are you mad about?” I asked.

” Justin keeps pulling away from me. He’s working longer and longer hours. But even on the weekends when he is home, he just seems to be far-off. He’s either watching TV, playing computer games, or in the garage working in his workshop. When I try to talk with him about it, he shuts down much more. We can’t talk at all any longer.”.

Like Joan and Justin, lots of couples are stuck in a dysfunctional relationship system, questioning what occurred to the love and enthusiasm they had at the start of their relationship.

2 significant fears might be weakening your relationship with your partner:.

Fear of rejection: the loss of another’s love through anger, judgment, psychological withdrawal, physical withdrawal, or death.

Worry of engulfment: the loss of self through being controlled, taken in, gotten into, suffocated, dominated, and swallowed up by another’s demands.

Joan responded by getting mad when her fears of rejection were triggered, while Justin withdrew when his fears of engulfment were triggered. You might respond in different defensive methods, but the outcome will be the very same – your reactive behavior coming from your worries of rejection or engulfment will activate your partner’s fears of rejection or engulfment.

The majority of us have not learned to remain open when our worries of being declined, deserted, engulfed, or managed are triggered. If, when these worries are activated, you concentrate on who is at fault or who began it, you perpetuate the problems. Blaming your partner for your worries, along with for your own reactive, unloving behavior, makes the relationship feel unsafe.

You feel preyed on, defenseless, stuck, and disconnected from your partner. You believe that if your partner just understands this, he or she will change – and you tire yourself attempting to figure out how to MAKE your partner understand.

Over time, passion dries up. Superficiality, monotony, battling, and passiveness take its location.

The dual fears of LOSING THE OTHER through rejection and LOSING YOURSELF through being swallowed up by the other are the underlying cause of unloving, reactive habits. On the contrary, you need to recover these worries before you can SHARE love – offer and receive love – with your partner.

The key to doing this is learning how to develop a safe inner space where you can work with and conquer your fears of rejection and engulfment. In this series, I will show you an effective six-step process you can utilize to develop and maintain the inner safety you require to end up being strong enough to enjoy.

Only when you have attained inner safety and inner strength can you produce a safe relationship area. Joan slowly discovered to stop attacking Justin and take caring care of herself whenever her fears of rejection surfaced. She learned to produce inner safety when she felt threatened instead of trying to get Justin to make her feel safe from her worries.

You can do this too. In fact, any two individuals who want to find out to develop their own inner sense of safety can likewise discover to develop a safe relationship space where their intimacy and passion will flourish and their love will withstand.

The rest of the short articles in this series will lead you through this six-step healing process.

Joan reacted by getting angry when her worries of rejection were activated, while Justin withdrew when his worries of engulfment were activated. You might react in various defensive methods, but the outcome will be the same – your reactive behavior coming from your worries of rejection or engulfment will activate your partner’s worries of rejection or engulfment. Blaming your partner for your fears, as well as for your own reactive, unloving behavior, makes the relationship feel risky.

On the contrary, you need to recover these fears before you can SHARE love – give and receive love – with your partner.

She learned to create inner safety when she felt threatened rather than trying to get Justin to make her feel safe from her worries.

The post 11 – Making Marriage Work, Part 1 first appeared on AllAbout.

from AllAbout https://allabout.pw/11-making-marriage-work-part-1/